Cracked True Crime: Terrifying Poetic Clues Surrounding A Murder Victim


This story from Cracked is so great I am going to quote it in it’s entirely.

When a couple of joggers in Florida stumbled upon a parked car occupied by a strangled Colombian guy, they decided they should probably call the police. Upon arriving, the investigators noticed a plastic bag taped to a nearby “No Dumping” road sign. In the bag was a cryptic poem:

Once you’re back on the track you’ll travel in night. So prepare your old self for a terrible fright … Now the motive is clear and the victim is too. You’ve got all the answers. Just follow the clues.

Aw shit, son! It’s the dream and dread of every homicide detective: a classic poetry murder hunt, LA Noire-style!

Breaking all the established Hollywood rules, the investigators solved the first puzzle before anyone even had time to claim they were too old for this shit. They soon unearthed a second poem, which read:

Yes. Matthew is dead, but his body not felt. Those brains were not Matt’s because his body did melt. For Billy threw Matt in some hot boiling oil. To confuse the police for the mystery they did toil.

Wait, what? How does a strangled Colombian guy in a car link to an apparently deep-fried dude called Matthew? Was he another victim? How many were there? In their effort to find out how deep the rabbit hole went, the police approached The Miami Herald, which ran a story about the case and asked if anybody knew anything else about these supervillain murder poems. As it turned out, somebody did.

The Ridiculous Twist:

It was the church. The church did it.

Write the poems, that is. Not kill the Colombian.

The poems were completely unrelated to the murder, and the only reason one of them was in the vicinity of the victim was blind, stupid bad luck. Representatives of a local church called in and revealed that the cryptic poems were nothing but remainders of a Halloween party, for which several church members made up a bunch of elaborate mysteries for kids to solve.

This particular mystery, which by now was known in the media as the “Liquid Matthew Case” (on account of featuring a now-liquid Matthew) was but one of many, and the only reason the notes were still hanging around was that it rained a whole lot on the night of the game and no one could be bothered to go clean up all the dubious murder notes.

Next to everything else churches do to youth groups, this was labeled “not that creepy, considering.”

After the youth group leaders and the detectives shared a hearty laugh while presumably slowly backing away from each other hoping no one would get arrested or murdered, it was back to normal police work. The dead guy was eventually identified as Francisco Patino Gutierrez, and an informant revealed he was a seaman who had allegedly smuggled 11 pounds of cocaine into Miami and gotten killed for his efforts. On one hand, his murderer was not flamboyant enough to leave whimsical notes behind for the cops, so that’s something of a downer. On the other, at least he didn’t melt the guy.